Oh, If Only If Only
by Nutty Tree Kitty
Summary: Random fanfic about Swords of Speirling www dot silmarilknights dot proboards dot com which came to me today. Not sure if it's really any good or what not, but bleh. Jamie - here ya go! XDD
1. C1 just another bag full of bricks

**Disclaimer: I like pie and pennies and ponies and puppies and pickles and princesses and pinatas and porcupines and platypi and pinnochio and pirates and parrots!....and this is, thus far, all mine. except for Twilight and Outlander. _**

**

* * *

**

CHAPTER ONE

"Just Another Bag Full of Bricks"

Okay. So I read Outlander a bajillion times. Read it last night. Then I went online to SoS and stared at the screen trying to conjure Marian muse. Too bad the Goddesses of Muse hate me; I can't even spin my chair, like Ger does.

And you might wonder, what the #$% does this have to do with anything? Nothing at all, really. Just random crap that I like spewing. See, I like lucky charms, cause they make me feel good and fuzzy and spiffy and donchaknow?

Eh, whatever, what do you people care. I don't even know you so blah blah blah I went to Driver's Education the other day. Well, I went this morning, too. It was fun. We had to pick teammembers and then name our team. Like usual, I was thrown together with some random people that I didn't know, and we were forced to collaborate.

Mr. Biggin expected us to name our teams after a part of an automobile. I was going to suggest the "Radiators" but the doods came up with the "Gastanks." O.o Implying what...?

Whatever, so we managed to get through the morning. And then come 9:30. My dad forgot he was supposed to pick me up, and I hitched a ride with Leah and Megs and Kinsey. Joy to the world, may they burn in hell.

Seriously, preppy teenagers who adored Twilight and wouldn't touch Outlander if they were payed a thousand buckeroos. And to think they want to drag me into their lair and force me to morph into one of them...No way, jose! Not in a million years, not-uh!

Well, I somehow survived the ride back home (the five longest miles I have ever has the misfortune to drive) and crawled up into my father's flat - yes, flat, sheesh. We were living in an "appartment" and had been so ever since our house got flooded out. Well, actually, not true: we lived in my dad's office for a few months, but I digress.

Point is, it was a tiny little piece of crap; my room should have been a closet, the walls were flimsy little twigs, and the oven didn't work. Pisses me off everytime I think about it; I like cookies, real cookies, not the crap you buy at the store, but I can't get them with a bum oven. Sucks pizzazz.

But whatever. Anyway, so I crawled up to my father's flat and, much to my dismay, no one was home. My brother was over at his dorky little play day thing with his dinky little friend, and my dad was in Madison for some sort of session. Well, just dandy. Home alone, in the middle of no where, with nothing to do. Wait, scratch thaat! I could go out to Juliee's!

Juliee's is a farm, about five miles away from town. A horse farm, to be true, where I got my horse, and where I occasionally work and hang out. I hadn't been there in a while, though...Well, off I went, biking up and down the many hills and out to Juliee's. I think I got heat stroke half-way there, because I couldn't bike for a while and had to

Well, after that long long long long long adventure up and down the hills of the Driftless Area, I finally arrived and did my thing. Basically I played with the horses, kicked out at the chiuahah dogs that tried to bite me, and poked Tristan, the freakishly tall humanoid who happens to be two years younger than me. Did I mention that he's freakishly tall?

Ah, and after that, I got a ride home. We had to strap the bike to the outside of the car, because Juliee, for some reason, has a freakishly small car, one of those "evironmentally friendly" cars. Once home, I crawled up the seventeen steps and stumbled into the flat for the second time that day. Home sweet home.

Into bed I went, dirty as I was. I was too tired to put forth the effort to shower and brush my teeth and do all those other stupid idiotic inane things that normal people do. And it wasn't long before my already pitch dark room faded off into the netherness. The last few things I were aware of were how lumpy my decades-old mattress were, and that it was freakishly cool, even though it was summer and I was underneath my comforter...

And before no time, it was morning again. I was still sleeping, or at least, trying to. Okay, that was a lie; I was awake, and I didn't want to , I mean, for the past nine months I'd busted my butt to get up freakishly early and go to school and do freakishly well. But school was OUT! OUT I TELL YOU! OUT! Was it too much to ask to be allowed to sleep in?

The answer, I guess, was yes. Because *someone* had decided to open the door to my room and let in all the bloody light. So much for triple curtains on the windows. Well, no more fantatising about Kakashi or Itachi or Kenpachi or who else it was that was on my list. And just when I'd finally conjured up something witty to say...

Yawning, I stretched out my arms and snuggled deeper into my bed, willing the light to go away. Fat chance. Still, it was nice and comfty to just press my head into the pillow and will the world away. Maybe wake up a little, make it so that my eyes don't go on too much of a fender-bender when they finally let the light in. And it gave me time to think about what I wanted for breakfast...lucky charms or strawberry wheaties...

I decided on lucky charms. When in doubt, go with lucky charms. Or so I tell myself. Not like it was going to get me out of bed any sooner. still, I liked to think about what I was going to eat ahead of time. Made everything taste better.

Actually, there are only a few thing that will get me out of bed. School, Horses, Kitties, and Nature Calls. Doubtless there were others, but those seem to always make it highest one my list. Hey, I like making lists. They're fun to make and they help me keep organized and I can scratch out the lists and then make new ones when I don't like the first or second or fifth ones. Cool, huh.

My tummy rumbled, and I groaned. Just thinking of breakfast had made me famished. This was what I tended to classify as Nature Calls, and if you read my list before, it's one of the more important things in life. That and my mini-library. And the fridge. And the toilet that flushes...and running water....and you get the point already!

So I reached my hand into the pillow case and searched for my aids, which I always hide there when I go to sleep at night. That way, if we have another fire, I won't risk losing them like I almost did the last time. After some blind grasping, I finally found 'em and plugged 'em into my ears. With a noisy kind of snuffle and a sort of moan that rattled out of me as I got out of the comforts of bed, I forced myself to crack my eyes open and face the world.

* * *

**Ah, yes, the title probably doesn't make much sense, given the content..well tough cookies! It's a song name, and I happen to like the band that plays that song. A cookie to the first ten people that can tell me the band!! (Pretty Eyes, shhhhh)**

**Aaaaaaaand yeah, that's it. Review if ya feel like it, read on it ya want to, and stop by the site!**

**www[dot]silmarilknights[dot]proboards[dot]com**

**toodles~! NTK**


	2. C2 the rocky road to dublin

**Disclaimer: Um, well, so far, I own everything in here XD**

**CI: Uh, yes, um, quite. indeed. _ *struggles to conjue something witty to say* read on, I guess...?**

* * *

CHAPTER TWO

"The Rocky Road to Dublin"

Well holy shit on crack! I was not in my room, nor was I even inside. And it was green. Green enough to overwhelm my poor, light-deprived pupils and send them reeling off onto a fender bender, which hurt like a donkey. Hurt enough to send my hands to my eyes and cause me to utter a shriek of agony. Morning person that I was, light was not my thing.

But that was insignificant, really, when I looked at the greater scheme of things. I was in a forest. Of course, I lived in the middle of a reserve of sorts, where it's very very illegal to go into the wild hills and chop down trees. Heck, I'd even dreamt of forests before, so it wasn't such an odd thing to find myself in a forest.

Thing was, though, I was supposed to be awake. Which meant that, since I was supposed to be awake, yet I knew that this wasn't real, there was only one conclusion: I was still sleeping, still dreaming! That, or I was hallucinating, which didn't make any sense, given where I lived...

Actually, I was pretty sure I was dreaming, because there were several things that didn't fit in with the surroundings: a) I was in the forest, so why was my bed and stuff here? b) I was barefoot, which is a stupid thing to be when you're out in the woods. Or, I guess you could say that the surroundings didn't fit the things in it...bleh, too philosophical for me. _

Well, whatever the case, I was here, in a dream world, in a strange forest that looked suspiciously like the...like the what? In the short few moments that I actually took to ponder that question, I concluded with Robin Hood. Good ole Robin Hood and his movie marathons.

Heh, yeah, I like Robin Hood. In fact, I adore Robin Hood. Him and Main Marian and Little John and Alan a Dale and the Sheriff of Nottingham; heck, Robin Hood's a classic! I even tried to write a Robin Hood story, but that died about five paragraphs in... anywho, so I love Robin Hood. And the other night, they had a Robin Hood marathon, so I, like the little fangirlish girl that I am, sat down and watched 'em all.

And the one forest scene that came to mind when I looked about me was in Robin Hood: Men In Tights, when they're setting up the rope across the dirt path, and those horsemen are coming their way. Ah, the good times, the good times. Men In Tights was fricking hilarious.

Actually, by now I was expecting something to happen. Sometimes the characters from Naruto appear and I boss them around, or I slip into the guise of Yachiru and terrorise innocent bystanders. Funny thing, really: it's not all that hard to be Yachi: we're both hyper at times, and we both like sweet things. Most of the time, at least. Other times we'd rather nom on a log.

Speaking of which, I was still hungry. Even if I wasn't awake, I still wanted to eat, and by golly, I was gonna find something to devour if I had to chew on a tree. Which wouldn't be the strangest food dream I've ever had. One time when I was sleeping over at my friend Hailey's, I dreamed that I spent hours watching a frozen steak thaw. Talk about cravings.

Now, most people who are confronted with the knowledge that they're in the middle of an unknown forest are scared to move, afraid that if they wander off they'll get even loster than they were before, while others would just head off and go and get well and truely lost in an strange place. Which is dumb, and goes to show that city slickers and even most country kids don't know very much.

Fortunately, I went to workshops up at the reserve center every year for the past six years in which I learned all about the rules of the woods. Which included marking a trail and scrounging for edible plants and their counterparts. Which was what I was doing right now: searching for food, parnips in particular. The young parsnip roots were really quite delicious. Tasted rather like carrots, without the orange stuff.

As it turned out, even though I'd planned to stay within the vicinity of my bed (what can I tell ya? I'm a lazy little crud.) food wasn't readily available to me. Which left me with no choice but to head off deeper into the woods and find something. As I left the area where my bed was situation, I regularily made little stacks of stones to indicate my path.

A stupid thing to do in a dream, probably. I mean, would I ever even come back this way ever again? No, probably not, but still, habit ruled, and I'm all about habit. Sure, I'm considered the adventurous type, but I still like a good ole sense of normalcy and steadiness, something that I can return to if need be. And besides, stacking stones is fun.

I was careful where I walked, of course. Being barefoot and stepping on jagged rocks or hidden twigs does not make for a nice combo, and can actually hurt like shit when it catches you unaware. I know this from past experiance, when flip flops failed me and I needed to get back from my "stroll in the woods" (actually, I was trying to walk down the path in the forest that was between the two houses, and it was dark out, and I stated out too late, and I didn't have a head-lamp...) Let's just say that it's not all that great and dandy.

On the other hand, I'd just spotted a bramble berry bush. I wasn't exactly sure what variety it was, but it was black and it looked good. I rushed over to the bush (carefully) and knelt down to reach the the berries better without straining my back.

Tcha! I know it's just s dream, but once again, habit reigns. This time because I'd recently obtained a back injury a while ago and had spent the last few weeks attempting to correct it/prevent it from happening again. Which meant bending at the knees rather than at the waist. Yay for chiropractors and their sound advice.

So here I was, kneeling in front of a whatsitsface berry bush, stuffing my face with sweet, juicy berries when I get a sudden epiphany. I was dreaming about Scotland again! In particular, the forest surrounding Craigh na Dun and the stone circle that was there. Which meant that Jamie was going to make an appearance! Jamie and Ian the younger and Dougal and Murtaugh and Fergus and Roger! And Rollo and Donas and Judas, as well.

And I very much wanted to see them. And maybe glomptackle them. And maybe do other things with them *insert bawdy cackle* heh. And thusly I stood up and surveyed where I was. Somewhere in the middle of the forest. Well, then. If they weren't here already, I was going to have to do something about that, such as change the channel, so to speak.

Yes. See, way I figured it, my subconcious was in control of this little world. And my subconcious, as you may have gathered, is me! So in theory, since I am me and I control me, I should able to screw around with the control panels and make it how I want. And how I want it, well....heh. heh. heh. So, going on that note, standing stock still with my hands stained black and blue with berry juice, I shut my eyes and mentally willed for Jamie and Co. to arrive.

-JAMIE, JAMIE, JAMIE- I chanted silently, trying to bring to mind a tall, redheaded man. The image was a bit fuzzy, though you had to give me credit for trying. As it was, I was more than a little disapointed to open my eyes and find that nothing was up. Well, that's not true. Pegasus and the clouds and the sky and the sun were up, but that's besides the point.

With no Jamie in sight, I figured it'd be a matter of time. Seriously, that's why it was called your sub-concious: because it was underneath your conciousness, and it was practically uncontrollable. Heh, but Jamie would arrive. Sooner or later, he'd come strolling up. SHIT! I needed to clean myself up. Crap crap crap.

Suddenly, frantically, I began to search for something to wipe my hands with. My clothes would have worked just fine, but then they'd be all grubby (well, grubbier than they already were), and I didn't want to wipe the juice off with leaves...I needed water! And I headed off in a random direction to search for water. By now, I was thinking (or rather, feeling) wood rules be damned! Jamie's coming! Which was quite a reasonable thing to think, really, given the person in question. So it was with a rather fanatical sort of glee that I sorta kinda forgot to put up markers.

Tough cookies, really. It was just a dream, so who gave a fly? It was insignifant in light to James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser and various others. And yes, I memorized his name. And to think he's from Outlander, a book...not important! First order of business: clean hands. And maybe arms, and maye face...

It actually wasn't all that long before I found what I was looking for: a small stream with watercress growing on top as an added bonus. the banks of the stream were muddy with rocks situated here and there, making for a perfect place to squat down and rinse my sullied appendages off. After making them squeaky clean, I then leaned over to harvest some of the watercress. Hungry as I was, watercress had an excellent tang to it what was just the thing after indulging in the sugary sweetness of the berries.

Perhaps the rock shifted, sinking into the mud or sliding down the back. Perhaps I just lost my balance, or maybe my wrist gave just a little, long enough. But whatever the case, it sent me crashing into the water with a loud, cold splash. Now, I don't actually have anything against water, but I rather dislike the state of being wet; part of this probably stems from the fact that since I wear aids, I'm extra careful to avoid getting them wet and potentially short-circutting them.

Which made for me scrambling as fast as I could to surface. That was made difficult by the fact that the bottom of the stream was covered with rocks, which were in turn covered with waterweed. Slippery stuff, that. But despite, or more likely in spite of the obstacles placed in front (underneath?) me, I managed to right myself and stand up knee-deep in the water.

Which brought me face to face with a bow and arrow.

* * *

**ooOOoo, cliffhanger XD -- lol, well, yes, this is a really dumb story, and if you haven't guessed already, I really really really like Outlander. Heh, and this story was supposed to be funny and humorous, but something happened and now it's...it. o.O**

**Review if you want, whatever, and see if you can guess what's going to happen next XD**

**ShooOOot, I still haven't introduced the character's name XD; oh well, you'll find out, eventually....*smirk***


End file.
